Best Marriage Jokes

  • Hi, Daddy!
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    Hi, Daddy!

    A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, “Hi, Daddy!” and she began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work. When it was finally the […] More

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  • End of story!
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    End of story!

    A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself. “Sorry, he doesn’t live here anymore, we’re divorced!” Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results. He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. “Look, Bozo! […] More

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  • 40th wedding anniversary
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    40th wedding anniversary

    Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary… The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’”. “Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband Stiff At […] More

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  • I just saved
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    I just saved

    A man ran into the house breathless and he said to his wife, “Honey, you should be so proud of me, I just saved $1.50 by not taking the bus, but I chased it all the way home.” The wife replied, “You want a medal for that? You should have chased a cab and saved […] More

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  • My husband hair is...
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    My husband hair is…

    There are 3 wives who want to decide what to wear to a party. The first one says, “My husband has black hair, I will wear black dress.” The second says, “My husband hair is grey, and I will wear a grey dress.” The third one gets worried and starts panicking. When asked she says, […] More

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  • Calls me handsome
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    Calls me handsome

    When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome. Every time I have some money, she says, HANDSOME OVER. More

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  • Timing Is Key
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    Timing Is Key

    The pastor of a local church was visited by a man evidently worse for liquor, and a young lady. She said to the minister, “Please, sir, we’ve come to be married.” “I can’t marry you with this man in this condition,” said the clergyman. “Besides haven’t you been here twice before, and haven’t I told […] More

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  • Hits It Every Time
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    Hits It Every Time

    At a local gun show, two guys were bragging about their wife’s abilities. “My wife’s a fine shot. She can hit a dollar every time.” “That’s nothing. My wife goes through my trousers and never misses a dime.” More

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  • Opportunity Costs
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    Opportunity Costs

    A man had a terrible accident and his private parts were injured. The doctor reassured him that modern medicine made it possible for his privates to be rebuilt, but insurance didn’t cover the expense. It was considered cosmetic. He had three choices: small for $3,500, medium for $6,500, and large for $14,000. The man was […] More

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  • Did it help?
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    Did it help?

    A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house picking up after him.” The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were […] More

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  • Two buddies were sharing drink

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    Two buddies were sharing drink

    Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?” asked the one. “Well, not exactly.” his friend replied, “she’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.” “Oh, I see, kinky, huh?” “Well, not exactly – I sit up and beg and she rolls over […] More

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  • Vow Renewal
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    Vow Renewal

    A couple had been married 50 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows. They were discussing the details of their second wedding with their friends. She wasn’t going to wear a traditional bridal gown, and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes […] More

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