Best Marriage Jokes

  • Hi, Daddy!
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    Hi, Daddy!

    A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, “Hi, Daddy!” and she began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work. When it was finally the […] More

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  • End of story!
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    End of story!

    A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself. “Sorry, he doesn’t live here anymore, we’re divorced!” Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results. He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. “Look, Bozo! […] More

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  • 40th wedding anniversary

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    40th wedding anniversary

    Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary… The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’”. “Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband Stiff At […] More

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  • I just saved
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    I just saved

    A man ran into the house breathless and he said to his wife, “Honey, you should be so proud of me, I just saved $1.50 by not taking the bus, but I chased it all the way home.” The wife replied, “You want a medal for that? You should have chased a cab and saved […] More

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  • My husband hair is...

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    My husband hair is…

    There are 3 wives who want to decide what to wear to a party. The first one says, “My husband has black hair, I will wear black dress.” The second says, “My husband hair is grey, and I will wear a grey dress.” The third one gets worried and starts panicking. When asked she says, […] More

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  • Not older...just better....
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    Not older…just better….

    For his wife’s birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: “You are not getting older, You are getting better.” When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, “Just put ‘You are not getting older’ at the top, and ‘You are just getting better’ at the bottom.” It wasn’t until the good doctor […] More

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  • Sounds more like a nightmare...
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    Sounds more like a nightmare…

    An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, ” Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…” The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.” So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.” The wife […] More

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  • All you need is a prescription
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    All you need is a prescription

    A woman walks into a pharmacy, strolls over to the counter, and catches the pharmacist’s attention. “Can I please get some arsenic?” she asks. “Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?” asks the pharmacist. “It’s for my husband,” she replies. “Your husband?” exclaims the pharmacist, “I hope you don’t mean what I think you mean!” […] More

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  • Cheating Man
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    Cheating Man

    Guilt twanged his nerves raw. Maybe he shouldn’t. As he watched his wife nurse the baby, as he thought about the sleepless nights they’d shared, he felt like he just couldn’t stand to lie to her like this, like she didn’t deserve to be treated this way. But the feeling passed. He was a man, […] More

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  • Gender of a Fly
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    Gender of a Fly

    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” She asked. “Hunting Flies” He responded. “Oh. Killing any?” She asked. “Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied. Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?” He responded, “3 were on a beer can, […] More

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  • A man has six children...
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    A man has six children…

    A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his […] More

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  • Edited Wedding Vows
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    Edited Wedding Vows

    During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. ‘Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d […] More

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