Best Doctor Jokes

  • Opportunity Costs
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    Opportunity Costs

    A man had a terrible accident and his private parts were injured. The doctor reassured him that modern medicine made it possible for his privates to be rebuilt, but insurance didn’t cover the expense. It was considered cosmetic. He had three choices: small for $3,500, medium for $6,500, and large for $14,000. The man was […] More

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  • Give Me Good News Doc
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    Give Me Good News Doc

    “Oh doctor, something is the matter with me, but I don’t know what. I feel terrible, but I don’t know-how. And I have the most awful pain, but I don’t know where.” The doctor replied, “Well, I will prescribe something for you, but I don’t know what. You will use it for three days, but […] More

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  • Not older...just better....
    in ,

    Not older…just better….

    For his wife’s birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: “You are not getting older, You are getting better.” When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, “Just put ‘You are not getting older’ at the top, and ‘You are just getting better’ at the bottom.” It wasn’t until the good doctor […] More

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  • Husband Worried Wife's Temper angry wife
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    Husband Worried Wife’s Temper

    A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife’s temper. The doctor asks, “What’s the problem?” The man says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.” The doctor says, “I have a cure for that. When it seems that […] More

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  • iceberg
    in ,

    Lettuce stuck

    A man goes to the doctor and says ‘Doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom’. The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks ‘Is it serious, doctor?’ and the doctor replies ‘I’m sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg’. More

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  • The waiting room
    in

    The waiting room

    I was in the waiting room of my doctor’s office the other day when the doctor started yelling, “Typhoid Tetanus Measles ” I went up to the nurse and asked her what the hell was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots. More

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  • Put this dog down!
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    Put this dog down!

    A man goes to the vet about his dog’s fleas. The vet says “I’m sorry, I’ll have to put this dog down”. The man is incredulous and asks why, and the vet says: “because he is far too heavy.” More

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  • Surprised by the prescription
    in

    Surprised by the prescription

    A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn all over his body. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns on his legs. He was starting to blister and in pain by the time the doctor arrived. To help, the doctor […] More

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  • Cured
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    Cured

    A woman went to doctor’s office for her annual examination. Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall. He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax. Then, he asked her what she was so upset about. A few minutes […] More

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  • All you need is a prescription
    in , ,

    All you need is a prescription

    A woman walks into a pharmacy, strolls over to the counter, and catches the pharmacist’s attention. “Can I please get some arsenic?” she asks. “Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?” asks the pharmacist. “It’s for my husband,” she replies. “Your husband?” exclaims the pharmacist, “I hope you don’t mean what I think you mean!” […] More

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  • You Can't Fool Your Dentist
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    You Can’t Fool Your Dentist

    After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Jerry remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times & on top of that gargled 1 liter of Listerine. As he arrived at the […] More

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