Best Old Age Jokes

  • Eighty-eight
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    Eighty-eight

    A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup. He turned out to be absolutely gorgeous! He told her he was going to put his hand on her back and he wanted her to say “Eighty-eight.” “Eighty-eight,” she purred. “Good. Now I’m going to put my hand on your throat and I want you […] More

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  • Advice
    in

    Advice

    An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man’s cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, “If you put a little rubber thingy […] More

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  • Vow Renewal
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    Vow Renewal

    A couple had been married 50 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows. They were discussing the details of their second wedding with their friends. She wasn’t going to wear a traditional bridal gown, and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes […] More

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  • Sounds more like a nightmare...
    in ,

    Sounds more like a nightmare…

    An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, ” Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…” The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.” So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.” The wife […] More

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  • Do you remember?
    in ,

    Do you remember?

    Two guys meet up at a high school reunion They start talking about people from their past. “Hey, remember that flat chested girl Sam?” “Oh yea, how she doing?” “I just saw her like 15 minutes ago and now she’s like this” – He holds his hands in front of his chest, fingers curled in. […] More

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  • Shaking hands
    in

    Shaking hands

    The three old men were sitting around, complaining about how much their hands shook. The first geezer said, “My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning, I cut my face!” The second old fogy one-upped him. “My hands tremble so bad that when I mowed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my […] More

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  • One kiss per yard
    in ,

    One kiss per yard

    Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk. “That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his […] More

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  • The secret of my success
    in ,

    The secret of my success

    Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. “Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.” The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep […] More

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  • Please advise
    in , ,

    Please advise

    An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the […] More

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  • dinosaur bones
    in , ,

    An awfully exact number

    Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asked the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?” The guard replied, “They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.” “That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you […] More

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  • This is what I want to print
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    This is what I want to print

    A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, “This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead.” The man at the newspaper said, “But for $25 you are allowed to print six words.” The woman answered, “OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. […] More

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