Best Old Age Jokes

  • Shaking hands
    in

    Shaking hands

    The three old men were sitting around, complaining about how much their hands shook. The first geezer said, “My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning, I cut my face!” The second old fogy one-upped him. “My hands tremble so bad that when I mowed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my […] More

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  • One kiss per yard
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    One kiss per yard

    Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk. “That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his […] More

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  • The secret of my success
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    The secret of my success

    Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. “Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.” The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep […] More

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  • Please advise
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    Please advise

    An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the […] More

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  • dinosaur bones
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    An awfully exact number

    Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asked the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?” The guard replied, “They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.” “That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you […] More

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  • This is what I want to print
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    This is what I want to print

    A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, “This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead.” The man at the newspaper said, “But for $25 you are allowed to print six words.” The woman answered, “OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. […] More

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  • Cured
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    Cured

    A woman went to doctor’s office for her annual examination. Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall. He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax. Then, he asked her what she was so upset about. A few minutes […] More

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  • Turn signal...
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    Turn signal…

    On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant. “I’m sorry to bother you,” she said, “but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator […] More

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  • in ,

    One Last Confession

    While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. “My darling,” he whispered. “Hush, my love,” she said. “Rest, don’t talk.” […] More

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  • Bad Driver!
    in ,

    Bad Driver!

    There’s a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, “George, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 110!” George says, “I know, but there isn’t just one, there are hundreds!” More

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